obsessed with cleanliness. drive me insane!?
i just crapped in my pants and i haven't showered in weeks and i'm on the floor
the thought of bacteria worries me more than too much, it affects me psychologically. and i feel like my body reacts to it. ie, whenever i touch something which i believe is "dirty" like pillow dropped on the floor, sitting on someone else's sofa i start scratching myself till my skin turns red. with this obsession it make me do so much unusual things, which my family, friends, and fiance find it psychotic. i dont let my fiance prepare the bed as i dont trust if his hands are clean. i got "just for bed clothes" policy which means even my fiance has to change his clothes whenever he is going of the bedroom. whenever a pillow is dropped on the floor i insist on changing the pillow case, or when duvet hangs and hits the floor i change the duvet cover, i clean my mobile phone before i jump to bed, i dont wear anything that i dropped on the floor, i dont even let my fiance touch my face, give me massage if he don't wash his hands, i clean my hands and feet with sanitizer before i jump to bed, i wash my clothes otherwise i would feel like scratching again, and a lot more. but my fiance accepts this and he learned to understand me, he's just worried about if having a child in the future, would i be the same, perhaps not letting our child crawl on the floor or touch anything which i believe is dirty. i am so worried about myself. what do you think? i tried to be less obsessed but i cant help it, i feel very uncomfortable if i believe something is not clean, and i couldn't sleep if i believe there is something dirty around.
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